The Joke Thread

[Xetal]

Joe is praying.....

'God, how long is a million years to you?'
'But a second'
'God, how much is a million dollars to you?'
'But a penny'
'God, give me a penny'
'O.K., just wait a second.'

[Lairston]

LOL

[Jason Sanborn]

[Lairston]

The Sunday School teacher asked, "Jane, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the ark?"

"No," the young girl replied, "How could he, with just two worms?"

[Jason Sanborn]

Bill had passed away. He lived in a very small town. He was known as the local Scrooge, always demanding money and hording every last penny. He was heartless in his collection efforts, even when he was on his death bed. John and Joe stood at the cemetery for the funeral. Both owed Bill money, and both had always promptly paid their bills, fearing the old man's wrath. John was smiling as the funeral progressed.

"Why are you smiling, John?" Joe asked. "Sure, he was a greedy man, but it is still a somber occasion."

"I'm smiling because my payment is a week overdue now, and I don't have to hear him demand the money."

"Well, I paid him on-time."

"You did?"

"Yes, my bill was due today, so I wrote him a check and put it in his casket."

[Xetal]

If it is true that the proposed mosque near Ground Zero is to promote tolerance, it is suggested that a gay nightclub be opened next door to it.
Two names suggested are "The Turban Cowboy" and "You Mecca Me Hot".

On the other side they should open a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and across the street a store that sells and displays bikinis or ladies
lingerie on mannequins...or better still live models.

[Xetal]

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey Long John, I haven't seen you in a while . What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said Long John, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," he said "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

Long John explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really"

"What about that eye patch?"

"One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them did the dirty in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird doo-doo."

"It was my first day with the hook."

[Xetal]

It's the last day of term at primary school and the teacher is asking all the kids what they'll be doing on Christmas Eve.

All the answers involve what's for supper, singing carols, putting out cookies/mince pies and milk/whisky for Santa, hanging up stockings, etc. then going to bed and failing to sleep with excitement.

Finally, the teacher comes to the rich Jewish kid, and being inclusive as a good teacher should be asks 'And Isaac, how do you spend Christmas Eve?'

'Well, miss, we get into the Rolls Royce and drive to Daddy's toy factory to see all the store-rooms completely cleaned out. Then we sing 'What a friend we have in Jesus' and drive to the airport to catch a plane to the Bahamas.'