The Joke Thread

[kulit]

!!!!

I'm sorry, but that's too funny.

[Xetal]

Stress ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Just in case you've had a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts. The funny thing is that it really works.

1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one but you knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world."
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding under it.
8. It's the face of the person who has been causing all of your stress.
9. There: feel better all ready, don't you?

[Jason Sanborn]

[Xetal]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver says, "Blimey, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."


Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."


As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."


As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"


The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket." The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."


And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??" The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"




"Only when he's been drinking....."

[Quaxo9]

ROFL!!!! hahahahaha!

[Jason Sanborn]

[gurglingooze]

Funny. Here's an old one.


A man is speeding on the motorway, chased by a police traffic unit. After an hour at high speeds the police car manages to box in the car and stop it. The policeman jumps out and shouts: ' WHAT IN THE NAME DO YOU THINK YOU WERE DOING ' Calmly the man replies: ' Ah, well last week my wife left me for a policeman and I thought you wanted to give her back to me..!!"

[Xetal]

There is a dangerous virus currently being passed electronically, orally and by hand. This virus is called the Worm Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, boss or anyone else via any means, DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely!

If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take 2 good friends to the nearest pub. Here you should purchase a program called Work Isolator Neutraliser Extractor (WINE). This is available in several formats.

The quickest acting WINE type is called Swift Hitting Infiltrator Remover All Zones (SHIRAZ) but this is the more expensive professional version. The cheaper version, which could give you some real headaches, is known as Pro-Lite Organism Network Killer (PLONK). Run the WINE program repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

To assist in the complete eradication of this virus, please forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, then it is highly likely that you have already been infected, and WORK is controlling your life. This virus is DEADLY (Destroys Every Available Decent Living Youngster).


Update 08.03.06 : After extensive testing it has been concluded that Best Equivalent Extractor Remedy (BEER) may be substituted for WINE but the program will have to be run more times for the same effect

[SilntAngl5]

A guy's car breaks down in front of a mental institution. All four of the lugs on his front left tire managed to come loose. The tire had fallen off of the car and rolled down the street. By the time the guy got his tire back to his car he was flustered and beginning to panic.

"Oh man, this is horrible! I don't know what I'm going to do! How am I going to get home?" he complained. A man walking by heard his distress and stopped to have a look at his tires.

"Well, you've got 4 lugs on each tire. So why don't you take one off of each remaining set and put them on this one. That way you'll have three on each tire. That should get you home safe and sound."

The guy was estatic. "Thank you so much! That's such a great idea! I don't know why I didn't think of it before!"

The man tapped his temple. "Kidneys," he said and walked back into the mental institution.

[Xetal]

I like it!