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  1. #1
    The Great Orange One Qwaring's clone#1 is offline Qwaring's clone#1's Avatar
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    Life in the "Gutter": This Thing is Still Around?

    Life in the "Gutter": This Thing is Still Around?

    ((Let's start this again.))

    Chapter 5: Father Knows Best?

    **The ebony winged man transports QC#1 to the middle of a large cathedral like chamber. Along the parimeter of this majestic stone room is a ring of thrones. Some of the thrones are made of gold or other precious metals, while others are made of stone and a few are made out of piles of human bones. Sitting on these dozens of thrones are dozens of odd yet vastly pwerful beings. The winged man leaves the clone within the center of this chamber and takes his place on one of the thrones. Once he is seated the winged man begins to address the orange skinned clone.**

    Winged stranger: Welcome George Cloney, we are-

    **The clone quickly interrupts him.**

    Is this about those unpaid creditcard bills? Because if it is I sent you guys a check already. This one won't bounce this time, honest.

    Winged man: No we are not the-

    I mean can't a guy go through one day without being attacked by mortal enemies or angry credit card companies.
    How am I supposed to attend all of the out of continuity social functions with this stuff going on.
    And if it cuts into my social life then it has to-

    Winged stranger: SILENCE!!! We are not your credit card company! I am Thanatos, the Olympian god of Death! And these- *Thanatos gestures to the dozens of others seated beside him.*
    -they are-

    Did you say god of Death!?
    Is this one of those deals where I have to play a game of chess so I don't have to die?
    Because I have to be honest, chess isn't exactly my game.
    I'd be willing to wager my life on some kind of drinking game.

    **QC#1 takes out a flask and takes a drink in order to prepare for an eventual drinking game.**

    Thanatos: You have not been brought here to die! Although that seems like a better idea with each word that you you speak.
    We are the Tribunal of Chthonian Ancient Gods-
    *Thantos sees the clones confused look and decides to simplify things before the clone starts talking again.*
    We're a bunch of gods of death.
    And we have brought you here because you have attempted to become the guardian of one of our fellow gods of death. According to our laws anyone who wants to become the guardian of a young death god must first pass the Trials of Worthiness.
    These trials will determine if you will be the best choice for being the father of Anubis.

    Oh, well why didn't you say so.
    Uh, I just got one question.
    Who's Anubis?

  2. #2
    The Great Orange One Qwaring's clone#1 is offline Qwaring's clone#1's Avatar
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    Thanatos:

    **During Thanatos' shock induced silence one of the other death gods continues speaking. A robed man that is little more than a skeleton puts down his scythe and speaks to the clone in a calm friendly manner.**

    The Reaper: Anubis is your son, Mr Cloney.

    I have a son named Anubis!
    I'd better go tell little Jack that he has a brother! Although I'll have to do something about the name Anubis. It just doesn't go well with the Cloney name.

    Thanatos:

    The Reaper: The one you call Jack is really Anubis. We thought you knew this. How could you not?

    My son Anubis and my son Jack are the same guy!?
    Of course! It makes perfect sense!
    I never see Jack and Anubis in the same place at the same time. But I don't really approve of a baby hiding his secret identity from his own father. It makes it seem like he has some trust issues or something.

    Thanatos: SILENCE YOU IGNORANT FOOL!!!

    **QC#1 looks from the enraged Thanatos to the hooded Reaper.**

    Are you just going to sit there and take that from him?

    Thanatos: Rrrrrr!!!

    **The Reaper whispers to Thanatos and manages to calm him down somewhat. The entire tribunal then discusses the situation quietly, among themselves. Finally a decision is reached and a calmed Thanatos speaks to QC#1.**

    Thanatos: I apologize for my previous outburts-

    As you should.

    Thanatos: Hrmm.
    Ahem
    As I was saying, I was unaware of the extent of your ignorance of this situation. And so we have decided to explain everything to you in a manner that you can understand. We have used our powers to reach into the realm of the departed and have resurected Jim Henson for the sole perpose of creating a play acted out by Muppets that will explain everything to you.

    Everything? Including how to get stubborn grass stains out of the Saurian royal banner. Those lizard people seemed pretty mad when I accidentally used their ancient banner for a picnic blanket.

    **The Reaper has to restrain the angry Thanatos, who was about to lunge at the orange clone.**

    The Reaper: Uhm, maybe we should start the play right now!

  3. #3
    The Great Orange One Qwaring's clone#1 is offline Qwaring's clone#1's Avatar
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    **The clone is lead to a theatre where the stage has been set up for a muppet play. QC#1 sits in the front row and the entire Tribunal of Death Gods sits several rows behind him. Soon the lights go out and spotlights shine onto the stage in this darkened theatre. There is a set that looks like Scion the Moon on stage. A muppet that looks like Scion the Nun speaks.**

    Scion the muppet: Oh no, my Moon has been invaded by the ancient egyptian death god, Anubis! What ever shall I do.

    GASP!

    **In the background a man in a fluffy Anubis costume rampages through the set of Scion the Moon. Soon several more muppets arrive. Each one ressembles people that QC#1 knows.**

    Raven: Do not fear, the Titans are here.

    Yaaay!

    Scion: Oh thank goodness. Now we can stop this villain from harming anyone else!

    **All of the muppets on stage "attack" the man dressed as Anubis, but their flailing cloth arms seem to have no effect on him.**

    Honor's Angel: It is useless. How can we ever hope to defeat a being of pure death?

    **A muppet of Millenium arrives with the Heart of Life in his hands.**

    Millenium: We can stop him by using this to restore his life!

    Yaaaaay Mil!!

    Sojourn_Fan:: We will need to put all of our power into the heart for it to work.

    **Weird lights of many colors shine onto the stage. This repressents the transfer of power. The Mill muppet then "flies", with the use of strings, at Anubis. When the Heart of Life touches Anubis smoke fills the stage. When the smoke clears all of the muppets are present, but the man in the Anubis costume is gone. There is also a jackal headed baby muppet onstage.**

    Optimus_Prime: It is done. Anubis has been restored to life and has become a harmless infant.

    Millenium: Yes, let's not pay attention to the baby for a few minutes.

    **All of the muppets turn away from the baby. Soon an orange muppet that is wearing a pair of cool shades and a bright Hawaiian shirt enters the scene.**

    Hey, who is that handsom devil?

    QC#1 muppet: Oh look, a baby. *The QC#1 on stage picks up the infant.*
    I'll name you Jack little baby and claim you as my own son. Come on now son, I have to go drop you off on Planet M for a very long time.

    **The curtain closes and the lights come back on. QC#1 gives a standing ovation. The death gods feel confident that their guest now has a better understanding of the situation. The Reaper rises from his seat and speaks to the clone.**

    The Reaper: And so you see Mr Cloney, Anubis is your son.

    Yeah I can see that now. But I just have one question.

    The Reaper: Yes?

    Who's Anubis and how will he feel about having Jack as his brother?

    The Reaper:

  4. #4
    The Great Orange One Qwaring's clone#1 is offline Qwaring's clone#1's Avatar
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    **Back in the meeting hall QC#1 sits in a metal folding chair trying not to fall asleep. Staying awake proves to be nearly impossible for the clone as the death gods spend six hours filling out paperwork. Of course this paperwork solution to their problem only came after eight hours of trying to make QC#1 understand that Jack is Anubis. Eventually all of the forms are filled out in triplicate and all of the requests have been approve. Once their exhaustive chore is over the Reaper rises from his seat and makes what they've just accomplished official.**

    The Reaper: From this day forth the council of death gods shall refer to Anubis as simply Jack. Which due to our horribly complex rules required an inhuman amount of paperwork.

    **The orange clone simply sits in his chair snoring away.**

    The Reaper: AHEM



    The Reaper: Mr. Cloney.



    Thanatos: WAKE UP YOU FOOL!!!

    **The god's shout instantly awakens the slumbering clone, who falls out of his chair.**

    Wha!?! Huh? Who's Anubis again?!?

    **QC#1 wipes the drool from his chin and gets back up onto the chair.**

    The Reaper: Mr. Cloney, we have brought you here because we weren't sure that you are the right choice to be the father of Jack. As of right now I think all of us agree that you definately aren't the right choice.
    But according to our rules you have the right to prove yourself worthy by competing in three challenges.

    Sort of like some kind of Father of the Year contest?

    The Reaper: No, it's more serious than that.

    Will I get a "Worlds Greatest Dad" mug?

    The Reaper: It's not-

    Or how about the T-shirt!

    Thanatos: SILENCE!!!

  5. #5
    The Great Orange One Qwaring's clone#1 is offline Qwaring's clone#1's Avatar
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    The Reaper: If you win the challenges you may remain Jack's father.

    And?

    Thanatos: When you lose you will lose Anu- You will lose Jack!

    Wow!
    This father of the year thing has gotten harsh this year! Maybe I can look into trying out for mother of the year. I'm sure I can beat that Shaft guy. Because they say that Shaft is one bad mother-

    Thanatos: Shut your mouth you idiot clone!!!

    I'm just talking about Shaft.

    Thanatos: *Speaking to the other Tribunal members.* Are you sure we just can't kill him and not tell anyone about it?!?!

  6. #6
    The Great Orange One Qwaring's clone#1 is offline Qwaring's clone#1's Avatar
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    The Reaper: George Cloney, here is a listing of the challenges that you must face:
    Your courage and physical prowess shall be tested in a combat arena of our creation.
    Your wisdom and ingenuity shall be tested in a complex task of our creation.
    And your intelligence and knowledge shall be tested in a game of questions and answers of someone elses creation.

    What was that part about the listing of challenges?

    Thanatos: Be warned fool, you will not face these challeges alone. You shall compete against three others that seek to become the guardian of Anu- erm, Jack.

    This all sounds like a poorly thought out reality TV program.

    The Reaper: Here are those you shall compete with, Mr Cloney.

    **Three people materialize into the meeting hall. The Reaper points to the man on the far left, who is wearing sacred robes and hovering a few inches off of the ground due to the amount of spiritual and mystical energy he is radiating.**

    The Reaper: Here is Eno Esiw, a high priest of- uhm, I'm sorry Mr Esiw, but what are you the high priest of again?

    Eno Esiw: I have not been a high priest in many centuries. Through meditation and inner enlightenment I have achieved a spirituality that can not be fully catagorized by the religions of this or any universe.

    The Reaper: Yes, of course. And the next challenger- *The reaper points to the woman wearing a long gray lab coat and has assembled and solved a four-dimensional rubics cube during the introduction of the previous competator.*
    -Dr. Ytrams. She has spent her entire life exploring the bounderies of this universe and creating technologies that have broken those bouderies.

    Ytrams: And son't forget that I've memorized nearly eighteen percent of all of the books published in the known universe. Go ahead, ask me anything.

    The Reaper: Maybe later doctor-

    **Before the death god can complete his sentence the third contestant, who is a large, muscular man in combat armor, steps forward and shouts out.**

    Rethgif: Enough talk let's get to the fighting!

    The Reaper: We'll get to the combat challenge soon enough Mr. Rethgif. Mr. Cloney this is Mr-

    Rethgif: All the orange freak needs to know is that I'm the guy who single handedly conquered the Victoran Galaxy! You know why I did that orange freak?!

    You were over compensating for a tiny-

    Rethgif: *He doesn't even listen to what the clone is saying, or about to say.* Because I'm the strongest and the greatest warrior that this universe has ever known! So come on and let's get this over with, so I can take the brat with me!

    Thanatos: There you are simpleton, these are the ones that you will compete against in the challenges of intellect, wisdom and combat. What do you say about that you ignoramus?

    **The clone leans over and whispers to the Reaper.**

    Dang man, he's still talking trash about you. Are you going to let him call you an "in-door-rackus"?

  7. #7
    The Great Orange One Qwaring's clone#1 is offline Qwaring's clone#1's Avatar
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    The Reaper: According to our rules, Mr. Cloney, you are allowed to choose one person from the realm of the dead to act as your trainer for these challenges. I will give as much time as you need to make this deci-

    Ooh, ooh! I want that guy from Rocky to train me.

    The Reaper: You do realize that he is a movie character. Don't you?

    What do you mean?

    Thanatos: Sigh. Fine. He's chosen. Can't we just get his humiliating defeat over with.

    The Reaper: Very well.

    **The Reaper calls on his death powers to summon the actor Burgess Meredith, who played Mickey Goldmill in the Rocky movies, from the realm of the dead. Burgess is sommoned with his Mickey wardrobe on and with the memories of his time playing Mickey on the forefront of his psyche in an attampt to make him more like the character he once played and accomidate the clone's request better. QC#1 merely points at the dead actor and asks...**

    Who's that guy?

    The Reaper: He is Burgess Meredith.



    The Reaper: He played Mickey.



    The Reaper: Rocky's trainer.

    Oh.
    I actually meant the other guy from Rocky.

    Thanatos: Apollo Creed?

    No. The other guy.

    The Reaper: Paulie? Adrian's abusive alcoholic brother?

    Yeah.
    Uhm, except I fell asleep during most of the movie so I must have missed the abusive part.

    Thanatos: Since there is no chance of any trainer being able to make the fool semi-competant for the challenges I suggest we leave him with this trainer and move on.

    The Reaper: Agreed.

  8. #8
    The Great Orange One Qwaring's clone#1 is offline Qwaring's clone#1's Avatar
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    **After being informed that he'll have most of the day to train Qwaring's clone#1 Mickey decides to begin immediately. Mickey walks around the clone and studies what he'll have to work with. He then leads the clone into an old fashioned boxing gym where he begins speaking to him in an angry and gruff voice.**

    Mickey: After gettin' a good look at you I decided that we'll skip training you for the intelligence and wisdom tests and just focus on the physical and hope for a miracle.

    I suppose that sounds-

    Mickey: Shutup! No one asked you. Do you know why know one asked you.

    Because I-

    Mickey: Because you're a bum! That's why. And it's my job to turn you into a fighter.

    Well I guess that-

    Mickey: Quiet, you bum! I'm not done talkin'! When I'm through with you you're gonna eat lightnin' and you're gonna crap thunder!

    I used to do that all the time, but Ruri says that isn't good for the Nadesico's plumming systems.

    Mickey: And that's why I don't want you to ever talk, you bum!

  9. #9
    The Great Orange One Qwaring's clone#1 is offline Qwaring's clone#1's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ruri
    Meanwhile back on the Nadesico, Ruri suddenly gets a chill and flash back to the reports of massive plumbing damage a short time ago.

    I don't know what that idiot clone used to eat but I am glad he changed his diet.

  10. #10
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    **Back in Mickey's gym the clone is putting on a pair of boxing gloves and commenting on the condition of the dust covered equipement.**

    Isn't this stuff a little old?

    Mickey: What are you talkin' about?! This stuff is fine. You bum!

    **The grouchy trainer slaps a rack of barbells in order to show how sturdy it is. The rack falls apart and the weights crash into the floor, which collapses soon after. The clone looks at the hole in the floor and then at the ancient boxing gloves that he now wears.**

    Hey, it says here that these gloves were made from the boot leather of the "recently captured confederate soldiers".

    Mickey: And what could be more modern than recyclin'. So shut up and pay attention, you worhtless orange freak!

    **Mickey leads the clone to a punching bag the appears to be made up of mostly patches and stitches.**

    Mickey: I want you to punch this thing. Show me what you've got.

    So you want me to-

    **While talking the clone pokes the bag with one gloved hand. The hook that suspends the bag off of the ground immediately breaks and the punching bag falls to the ground and bursts opened. The clone stares down at the fallen bag for a moment before raising his arms and jumping around.**

    Woo-hoo! I knocked out the bag in one shot! I danced like a butterfinger and stung like a bean! I am the greatest! The greate-

    **The ancient wooden floor is unable to support that jumping clone any longer and collapses beneath him and drops him down into the basement with a very painful crash. The clone does not get a chance to recover because the floor beneath the fallen punching bag also gives out and drops the large pile of former punching bag onto the clone and knocks him unconscious. Mickey leans towards the hole in the floor and shouts down at his pupil.**

    Mickey: Aaah! You bum! You're the only jerk that's ever been knocked out by a punchin' bag! You worthless dope!

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